but i am, just for a moment, going to write about something more serious. so forgive the intrusion on this catalogue of fun. if i am ever going to paint a picture of how wonderful my friends are, i need to acknowledge this muck. i hope that this will explain what happened at the smith mountain lake triathlon and on my birthday weekend. it should also help you appreciate how wonderful lindsay and dianna are. they have shouldered much of this burden and even when the attacks are pointed directly at me, they share in them, protect me from believing them, and insist that i get out and do something fun.
i have for a long time wanted to write something about this, though i planned on writing it on raisingdc. it seems more appropriate here. i will somehow link, so that readership will know what is going on. the title of that entry was to be "is altruism dead?" i have written it a hundred times in my head. who knows how it will turn out here.
as many of you know, last year lindsay and i took on the herculean task of saving two girls who we loved immensely from the dc foster care system. the story is chronicled at raisingdc.blogspot.com. i will spare you all the gory details here and in fact you are spared the most gory there as well. the long story short is that lindsay and i loved these two little girls for 4 years. they eventually were abandoned by their family when their mother became so incapacitated she could no longer take care of herself (she was never much able to care for them).
jennifer and paulette's aunt asked us to put them in the foster care system because she was unable to. dc figured an aunt stable enough to call should be able take care of them. the system is really overtaxed. i protested putting them in foster care and they ended up living in our house for about 7 months. jennifer for 5 and paulette for 7.
it was hard (an understatement). it was the most noble work i feel like i have ever done. i did what i did out of pure desire to help them; for them to know they are loved; and for them to have a chance at the world. i felt good believing that i was doing what God would do if He were here. WWJD? this! both of them are INCREDIBLY gifted and have all of the promise of young talent. i want them to be able to make the world better in their way. i believed in them and i believed that given a chance they would become a force for good that could not be stopped. (i still believe all this, though i am starting to see that there are unbelievable hurdles still to jump).
we thought the story ended with God parting the red sea twice. thru no small feat of divine intervention, God led us to a family who wanted to take care of jennifer and one that wanted to take care of paulette. we believed they were Godsends, and in part, still do.
things got ugly a few months ago when jennifer's new family decided to put her in the arizona foster care system to expedite their ability to adopt her. we were not consulted before the decision was made, but arizona state needed to hear from lindsay and i, and essentially wanted our consent for the action. we didn't give it. we feared it would prohibit paulette from ever being permanent. we feared that somehow jen might end up back in dc and out of her current home. we just felt like it was a disastrous move, and said so.
this led to an onslaught of accusations and pain. the fiasco with the az foster care system ended up costing us quite a bit in legal fees. we had an amazing lawyer, kim viti fiorentino, who we found through another act of God and paid for her by the mercy of loving friends and family. for months we were being counseled to get a lawyer, but we refused because of cost. when our landlord threatened to kick us out, because we had the girls living in the house and a police officer said that if paulette ran away again (and got icked up by the police) that someone would have to be charged with neglect and it would be us, we decided that maybe we should ask friends and family for financial help and get one. she was another godsend and really help us alot. i still feel like she is a friend. our friends and family were also angels of mercy. many of them felt like we were in over our head, but supported us nonetheless.
we had told both of the families that if there was money left over after we sorted our legal situation, we would split it evenly among the girls. it could be used for any additional legal fees, therapy, or college. the well ran dry, and when it did, it unleashed a fury of accusations.
to skip some of the ugly, lindsay and i were accused of stealing this money from the girls and of deceiving the families regarding the amount of time that the girls actually spent living in our homes. these accusations were shared far and wide. they told the girls that we had stolen their money. it took months before we knew what was being said. once we did, we sent a detailed accounting of all of our money to the two families. we explained what we had done. we also sent names of people they could contact who knew what was going on (bishops, friends, therapists of the girls, etc) and we asked them to read the blog so they could get an idea of what was happening while they were living with us. the families have yet to do any of this. but the accusations still fly.
this leads me to wonder if altruism has become so uncommon that people can't believe it exists. in graduate school, i took a class with phd clinical psych students called "philosophy of psychology" where we discussed altruism at length. people questioned if Christ's atonement was really an altruistic act. i was appalled! how could this act of love be seen as anything other than that, an act of love. but people suggested that Christ did this for His promised station with God the Father if he did it, etc. that he was set to get great gains. i was shocked. all these mormons suggesting that Jesus was nothing other than someone out for a better position. COME ON!
this has stuck with me. not that i believe there is a word of truth in it. however, when people believe that altruism is either impossible or completely dead, they form a worldview that is quite different from mine. with such a worldview, the work that lindsay and i performed, or any act of kindness, is broken down into what is to be gained. where is the selfish motive? it breeds suspicion, and i think eventually snuffs out love all together. all i got was fat, abused, and hurt, so it stands to reason that people would start turning pillows over to see what else might have been gained. introduce some money and viola: we did it for the money.
no amount of money would ever convince me to do what i did. now, i can assure you that if i wanted to earn the amount of money we are talking about i could have decided to start doing therapy again, consult part time, etc and make MUCH more with FAR less pain. and i think that is what hurts. those who know me know that money is not much of a motivator. so the whole thing is ridiculous!
the night before the smith mountain triathlon, paulette's new mother debbie called to tell me that she forgave me for stealing money and lying about how long paulette lived with me. she just wanted things to go back to the way they were. the conversation didn't go well, since i felt accused all over again. i explained that it mattered to me that the lies that had been told to the girls be straightened out. she yelled at me, then her husband yelled at me. he later calmed down and begged me not to erase the legal and financial responsibilities i still have for paulette. i assured him that i wouldn't. not because he asked, but because i want what is best for paulette.
i was so upset that i couldn't sleep and decided not to set an alarm to wake up for the triathlon. dianna and i hadn't trained as much as we had wanted. she has been working the overnight, and is always worn out.
so instead competing in an olympic-distance triathlon, we slept in a sweet little condo on the lake. here is smith mountain lake, looking at where were would have swam had we done the race.
dianna and i as we are about to embark on our 4th trip to smith mountain lake
sometimes a girls has to do what a girl has to doin this case both of us did
please just remember that we had to ride in a car for 5 hours to get to smith mountain lake.
please just remember that we had to ride in a car for 5 hours to get to smith mountain lake.
the view from our condo
some swimming race for boysit was really fun to watch!
for obvious reasons
we did some cycling, since we'd brought our bikes all the way down there..
we rode the 25 rtn trip to booker t. washington's birthplace (we forgot the camera), up some very hilly roads.
as we drove home, we stopped by Appomattox where lee surrendered. i have been told for years that i am a direct decedent of gen. robert e. lee, and have always found a family resemblance. i thought he looked just like my uncle jim. turns out i was confusing grant with lee. we look like grant, and i am not sure we have any relationship. so...who knows what side i was on.
APPOMATTOXthe desk were lee surrendered
grant's side of the room during the surrenderi am surprised that this southerner is so happy to be here
so who am i related to???the one with the frizziest hair
just a couple of tea lovin girls in the country where the civil war ended
i am glad that through this yuckiness my friends help me have a good time. we ended up having fun and relaxing. something i think we both really needed. it is always fun to do a triathlon, but there will be more. it actually felt kinda healthy and grown-up to just decide not to.
1 comment:
proud of you. what an inspiration you two are. much love.
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